Who am I?

June 12th 2013 • 3

This will be one of the most personal posts I have written, but it's ok because nobody reads my blog anyway! Apart from my one subscriber (thanks Mitch x). For the last two weeks I have been soul searching. Trying to answer questions I have never been able to before. Partly because they are so difficult and partly because I don't live life long term enough to need to.

 

After discussing my current relationship with a friend of 25 years, he said to me 'Mand, whenever we meet, you are always in the departure lounge'.

It struck a chord because it was so true. He was not in touch with me when I was in the one and only relationship I ever believed in. And as another friend said, 'that was the wrong flight altogether'. It was, because the rascal stole my time with lies. But it showed me that I can believe in forever, and now there is no going back. Anything less feels futile.

 

The current boyfriend, as he hates to be known, is a wonderful kind loving man. So why do I find myself in that lounge once more? I had no idea. So I bought another self help book. Stay or Leave. I'm a logical girl. I need formulas to explain stuff. I need tutorials and exams to put into words the colours of my soul.

 

The questions I took from the book are these:

  • What would I like my legacy to be? What would I like to be known for?
  • What would I like to have achieved at 94 in order to feel that my life has been productive and meaningful?
  • Is there anything I deeply value and yet feel that I have not fully experienced or realised? What changes do I need to make and risks do I need to take, to more fully realise my most significant values?
  • What would I do with my life if I could whatever I truly wanted and money was no object?
  • What do I need to accomplish to live a meaningful life and fulfil my purpose?
  • What would I do if I had 6 months or 10 years to live?

I also noted these mantras:

  • Commit to a course of action and engage in life as your own person or occupy roles and go through the motions without real commitment.
  • Face your fears, challenge your negative language and overcome excessive compassion and pessimism.
  • Take responsibility for the life you choose to live.

 

Every night for two weeks I have tried to answer some of these questions, to find direction and meaning. I stayed sober mostly, but my most enlightened responses have been accompanied by a glass or two.

 

I had many months of therapy after I discovered the rascals betrayal. My counsellor kept asking me what I wanted out of life. I could not answer because I was not there to find answers for myself. I was there to try and understand him. I decided that noone had goals. Most people just give up on their own lives and have kids, and transfer their goals to them. But I have no children so where is my purpose?

 

My answers to the questions above:

  • What would I like my legacy to be? What would I like to be known for?
    • Taking risks.
    • Following my dreams.
    • Never playing it safe.
    • Being kind.
  • What would I like to have achieved at 94 in order to feel that my life has been productive and meaningful?
    • Impact the lives of some in a positive way, that makes them smile when they think of me.
    • Make a serious contribution to open source code.
    • See as much of the world as possible.
    • Be loved and respected by my family and friends.
    • Give my cats the best life.
    • Run an animal sanctuary.
  • Is there anything I deeply value and yet feel that I have not fully experienced or realised (*)?
    • Love *
    • Time with family, cats and friends.
    • Education *
    • Altruism
    • Travel *
  • What changes do I need to make and risks do I need to take, to more fully realise my most significant values
    • Believe in love.
    • Change job.
  • What would I do with my life if I could whatever I truly wanted and money was no object?
    • Give up work.
    • Spend more time with family, cats and friends.
    • Take courses in various development technologies, a language, an instrument.
    • Travel.
    • Workout more.
  • What do I need to accomplish to live a meaningful life and fulfil my purpose?
    • Complete my IVA.
    • Get a better paid job after the IVA.
    • Have short term holiday goals.
    • Stick to my tough budget.
    • Do more home study.
  • What would I do if I had 6 months or 10 years to live?
    • Fake a credit card.
    • 10 years is a lot further than I have ever thought about.

So what has this latest book really taught me? Nothing I didn't already know. I feel the same way I always do after reading a self help or spiritual book. Someone has worded better what I already know.

 

But it has lent me focus. I don't like myself in relationships any more. I miss me. But it's not the me before I was destroyed. It's the me before I was stripped of credit! The thing I most truly value is living for the moment, in the here and now. I feel trapped and unable to do that on a shoestring budget. That is what I need to resolve to be me again.

 

My choices and my risks led me here, and now I have to find a way to still be me.